about me A loner, although do enjoy the occasional companionship, if you can handle it. Enjoys long term friendships, sensitive, ponders a lot about life and people. Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sigh.
[ 8:50 am ] I hate going to work knowing I have a pile of things to complete ... and NOW having two piles of things to complete. How long can I go on. 0 comments Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Retreat Day 3
[ 5:36 pm ] It's the final day of retreat, just woke up for breakfast, wonder how many people are up already. I slept ok today, not that great, just ok. I was the earliest for breakfast... So I sat alone. The solitude was good. I needed to get away from people and be alone. Slowly one by one people started to join... I couldn't take it anymore, so I got my second round of food and shifted to an empty table. I think I overheard them asking how come I’m anti-social. There's time for socialising and there's time for being alone. I just needed to be alone. Then again it happened... One by one, people began to fill the seats. Argh... I ate, then I left for practice. I don't know what to say about this retreat. Maybe my expectations of things were too high. Instead of feeling recharged, I feel more drained out than usual. People that I’m close to are not even in the retreat. The whole thing just felt weird to me. I am so tired now. It takes more effort to talk now. Ugh. I found it amusing, or rather enjoyable to be playing the guitar upfront. I thought I’d be nervous or something... But I felt a lot more comfortable than usual. I'd like to think it's a new strength. Maybe God wanted me to know, not to be afraid if I’m doing this for Him and not myself, maybe that's where the strength is. All fear is gone when you put Him first. 0 comments Monday, August 27, 2007
Retreat Day 2
[ 11:33 pm ] Breakfast was ok today, I didn't really have a good sleep last night, I woke up being sleepier. I enjoyed the session by ps. Sandra. It reminded me a lot of things. I'm not a 'man' yet. I've made so many mistakes. Regrets won't take you anywhere. I'm just not 'there' yet... But I know which ministry to be rooted in. It took me a long time, but I found it. Yesterday I said I won't be playing the games... I was gonna leave but couldn't find out who had the room key...sigh.... In the end I joined in the games, but left the last games 'coz I didn't want to get wet. Call me sissy or whatever you want, I'm secured enough to know what I like and don't like, unedifying words will not affect me much anymore. I'm not sure if I had fun today ... Maybe everything was just fake... To be honest, I felt really lonely. It's not something a person can fill... I felt really like crap the whole afternoon. I hope it wasn't shown on my face... Since I can be quite the open book. I questioned the reason why I'm even here the first place. I needed time to just chilled and relax ... Instead I felt a lot more tired than usual. My emotions were in battle with my mind. I'm so sick and tired. I was contemplating to leave tonight with those who were planning to leave early. I'm only human, I feel these things as well. Some people look like they were having genuine fun today :) I guess I must be the only one suffering inside. How blissful it is to be simple. I'll get over this feeling soon enough, I always do. 0 comments Sunday, August 26, 2007
Retreat Day 1
[ 11:30 pm ] I'm at LIFE retreat now... With only 2 hours of sleep. I was grouped into the car with Shaeffer, Yew Jin, and Debbie. The trip here was ok, a little noisy but I could catch up on my sleep. I can't say much about the retreat at moment.... But for time being it's boring... Not like last year. I'm in the hotel room now, watching tv with Alvin. A little sad if you ask me... But I could use the company. I wonder how things will be tomorrow. I'm really not that excited. Dunno what's wrong with me. Don't even feel like joining the games... Thinking of skipping... Hehehe my team will not be happy. But I wanna rest. The view out the apartment is ok, facing the open sea... But there's nothing romantic about the view. It's PD afterall, how romantic can it be. Ugh.... What am I doing? I'm stoning man.... Not to mention hungry also... Sigh. Maybe the longer I stay up, the more negative I get. I'm playing the guitar for worship tomorrow, did a short practice earlier... Don't think I was playing well... Maybe I was tired... Hope will be better tomorrow. Quite a number of people are missing from this retreat. Not happening man. Ok, gonna give it a benefit of a doubt... Maybe things will turn around, who knows. 0 comments Saturday, August 25, 2007
Hungry.
[ 7:07 pm ] Ugh ... hungry and tired. 0 comments
Office.
[ 4:14 pm ] I'm at office now, though it's a Saturday ... I don't really feel stressed at the moment ... quite relaxing actually. Need to upload the award videos up by today for tomorrow's voting period. It's the retreat tomorrow, don't know what to expect, I don't feel THAT excited about it either. Maybe it's empathy. 0 comments Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Not enough.
[ 11:22 am ] I’m working from home today. Some things are a little stressful in my life now. Work is ok. I love what I’m doing … but I feel a lot of my skills aren’t fully put to use. For the amount of money they are paying me, which is really good by the way, I’d rather be doing more video motion graphics work … since that’s where I want to improve. I’m a little sick and tired doing web stuff. I think I’ve gone pass that, or even flash … I’m just not interested anymore. Nothing excites me in those areas anymore. But do I stay because the money is good? While there is some sense of security there … something feels missing. I don’t know what. I’m trying hard to build a relationship with my colleagues over there … I’m trying really hard. No one greets you back when you wish them ‘Good Morning’ here. I don’t like this culture. I don’t want to be like them. I will change the environment. Doesn’t matter if they don’t greet me, I will do it instead. It’s either you conform to the environment or you influence the environment. I’d rather influence. I love Thursdays and Fridays. I feel really relaxed and stress free when I’m at AYA. I’d like to think of it as a time to recharge before going through Monday to Wednesday again. I feel like crap on Fridays, knowing that I won’t be in on Monday. Sigh. What am I doing? I feel so disconnected at AYA now and I get depressed. Every week I come in, something new happens and I’m not aware of it. I don’t know the latest developments anymore. Don’t want to talk about lunch time. People I want to spend time with talking over lunch … either they are too busy with work and don’t care or they would rather tahpau or have their own plans. Things have changed so drastically over these few weeks. I’m not sure if it’s the workload that is taking a toll on things or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ve outlived my usefulness there. Who knows where else He’s gonna take me. If this is the price to pay, then I’d rather throw away the extra income and be happy about it. I’ve been getting freelance jobs at a steady rate. Which is good … but sometimes I get tired and ask myself … “Why the heck am I doing this? I should be relaxing and enjoying my time at home”. Sigh. I’ve been going through the book of ACTS at the moment, right up to chapter 21. All I can say, after studying it this far is … “Stupid Jews”. It’s really amazing how God used Paul. I’ve been asking myself this question … would I have lasted through the prosecutions like how Paul did. I think not. Would I be happy knowing that I am prosecuted for my faith? A part of me would, and another part of me would want to smack them and cry out about the unfairness to God. Would I give up my faith if a gun was pointed to my head and all it takes to spare my life is to renounce my faith. Of course no. I’d rather die than to give it up … but it gets harder when others are involved. If the gun was pointed at someone I love? Would I give up my faith? The answer is a ‘no’ again, and I hope that person knows that … but would I live in guilt if that person dies and all it took to save his/her life was just me giving up my faith? I don’t know … I need the fullness of His grace and mercy to live through it the rest of my live. It gets tougher and tougher when you put yourself into many situations. If you were tied up and watched them rape your wife and all it took is for you to give up your faith? Painful. I’m sure these things did happened before. There is one thing I know for sure, through the many pains and suffering, if it’s for God, He will always, always honour it. What you lost, He restores. It’s comforting to know that he keeps the tears that we shed, because He cares about us that much. 0 comments Friday, August 17, 2007
Heck.
[ 2:22 pm ] Some bunting designs I did for a local chinese singer. First time doing design in Mandarin ... I kinda like the results ... I think I can fake the cina design quite well :) 0 comments Thursday, August 09, 2007
Songs.
[ 11:30 pm ] Everyone seems so busy nowadays. I haven’t been able to catch up with a few people lately. Every night something seems to be going on. Must be a really busy season. People are moving here and there … even Su Chee is busy. Have not seen her in this form before, being so occupied and … focused. Amazing. Even Sunil is busy … then again, who isn’t except for me? D2Y2 minizine was suppose to be out like now, but some things are just not done yet. I sometimes feel it’s like a lone ranger job … me, Cheryl, Rachel and Ps. Sandra. That’s all. I really don’t know how to involve more people into this. I can’t cast visions like how pastor does it, nor do I consider myself a good motivator. How lah like that. I’m starting to feel, maybe I can’t lead effectively yet. I’ve been spending every night with God. I completed the book of John. I caught quite a few things in it, I’ll share another time. I’m studying the book of Acts at the moment. I figured, since I’ve decided to stick with ACTS till the day I die, I need to finish this book and further align myself with pastor’s vision. I see changes everywhere. Some good changes, some definitely need guidance. Sometimes people change too fast for their environment to cope … usually it’s the other way around. When I say environment, I meant the people around us. I think I discovered a gifting. I can see patterns. I’ve come to realise that everything has a pattern (if you knew this before me, shuddup). I sort of have a template of everyone’s pattern in my head. Call me analytical or thinker, doesn’t bother me since its God’s gift to me and I’m proud of it. How do I know if something is wrong? Easy. The pattern didn’t fit. Let me try to explain … if everyone is a music composition, I’d recognise the song … but when the song (pattern) changes, something is different. Maybe the chorus changed, maybe there’s more depth in it now, and maybe the feel to the whole song is familiar yet different. Just like people. You think you know them, but suddenly their song change … they become familiar yet different. I feel it’s a beautiful dilemma. I’d like to think that our lives are songs. Everyone has a unique song. I wonder how it will sound like. I wonder how mine will sound like. Will it be melancholic? Will there be joy in it? I wonder. But one thing I know for sure, God is the most beautiful song. 0 comments Monday, August 06, 2007
What?
[ 8:54 am ] I woke up with fear today ... it's not nice when you wake up with fear in your heart. I don't want to go to work because I know the number of things I have to do today, it frightens me. Why should I go to a place where there's fear in my heart? I need help. So many things are up this week, I'm really scared, it's not like AYA where you can push your deadlines, it's different here. I can't shake this feeling off me ... 0 comments Sunday, August 05, 2007
Pray.
[ 3:20 pm ] These few days I’ve been thinking to myself … have I short-changed myself? Have I short-changed what God gave to me? My talents … have I put them into good use? How long more should I wish to be behind the scene rather than the front? I’ve come to realise maybe I’m not so much of the behind the scene kinda guy, but neither am I at the front. I gotta move myself to the centre. Everything has a progression. I need to progress myself … I think I’ve spend enough of my time making too many observations of my surroundings. How long more will I be the watcher? These two weeks I’ve been spending a lot more time with Him, and each day I find myself challenged but at the same time I see things I’ve asked being fulfilled … not entirely, but each day it gets better. It’s starting to feel funny now … I find myself enjoying praying for people. Verses I’ve never thought I’d quote appear in the head, claim and use it. Weird. As far I can remember, I was never comfortable praying for someone, but now … there is joy. I’d like to think that it’s You. I don’t know what or where You want to lead me to and to be honest, I get scared sometimes. Every time I try to move forward, things happen that breaks me, and broken I’ve become … and broken am I no longer. Making the first step is hard, You know that. You know how hard it is for me to always try to make the first step. Can’t You just make it easy for me? Yeah yeah … I will, so as long You move first, I’ll follow. Do you think it’s fair that sometimes a person is judged because of his environment? How naïve. I’m starting to feel the pressure of deadlines. I can only work so fast, and I refuse to work on a Sunday. I’m not even sure if I care about the money now. What am I doing wasting my time like the rest of the rats in the world chasing after money. My heart is not there. I don’t feel the peace. I make more than enough to even pay for a car now, buy good things, eat better, etc … but, I don’t feel the peace. I don’t know where this is heading, God. I thank You because you’re blessing me, but I rather You bless my relationships. It’s more than money or my physical needs. How long more should I go through this? I’m tired. 0 comments Archives nothing |
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