Dear Pa,

I know there’s no way you’ll be able to know what I’m thinking now or even read what I’m writing, but felt the need to. It’s been 3 years now that you’re gone. Sometimes I wished you were here, so I could talk to you again. I’m sorry that for the past 6 months before you were gone, we didn’t spoke. I was too angry with you, with what you were doing to our family … but it doesn’t matter now.

I wished I had the chance to buy you at least a birthday present, I’m sorry I never did. I wanted to that year, so we could reconcile, but you were gone before I could. Did you know how that felt, pa? Do you know what I wanted to buy? A carton of Benson & Hedges. I didn’t know what else I could buy that you would appreciate, I didn’t like buying cigarettes for you, but I knew you would be happy.

I regret not having spent time with you. The more I think now, what you said was true. We were alike. Now I come to realise how proud you were of me. You were the only one who was very proud of me. Now that you’re gone, I lost that support pa. I needed your assurances.

Yesterday at church, we sang Amazing Grace at the end. I couldn’t sing without having tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to sing but my voice would not come out … so I just opened my mouth. That song reminded me of you, we sang it at your funeral. I wished you were still here, then I’d bring you to church, and everything will be fine again. Sometimes I imagine how it’ll be like if you were in church with us. The friends that you would make, Pastor Kenneth is a wonderful person. I wished you had the chance to meet him. I think you would like him a lot. He did your funeral anyways. You taught me a lot and I’ve never thanked you. It was too late.

If you were still around, I would share with you my problems. At least you gave me a sympathetic ear compared to mom. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I don’t have the opportunity now. I met someone I really like; I wonder what you’ll think of her? I think you’ll like her. She’s not like the last one you met haha … total opposite.

Things are going crazy now. I took a step back and looked, they aren’t going my way. I can’t provide for the family like how you did, how did you do it? I should have listened to you when I was 15 pa, to concentrate on arts and design. Now I’m doing just that, but with computers. I know you would be so proud of me … but I’m not making money. I can’t even make enough now to marry or even start a family. I’m worried pa. What would you have done?

I wished I said “I Love You” too that night when you said that to me. Now I say it, but you can’t hear me. The night before you were gone, you said “I Hate You” and I didn’t bother because you were drunk. Then later on you said you didn’t mean it. The next day, you passed away. Thank you for saying those last words … otherwise I would have lived my live knowing you died hating me. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Nowadays I tell people how lucky they are to have a father around. I envy them pa, I really do. Every father’s day after your death, I get depressed. I want to celebrate father’s day with you again if I had the chance. I finally liked and appreciate banana rice pa. Never knew why you liked it so much, now I know why. I found a few restaurants that are really good and I know you’ll love them. I wish I could bring you there.

I really wish you were still here. I miss you.

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Some people just don't give up ... what to do?
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Weddings are really a good time to tell who are the ones that are willing to go the extra mile to help. From what I've noticed, the more popular 'friends' are the least to help with anything at all, if not, it's due to obligations. Whereas the unassuming ones, people that you least expect, are the ones that make things happen. It's always been a complain from me. "How come kononya your good friend is not helping you?" As for me, I'm just sowing in what areas I can for these couples. I know the time will come when I could rely on them. I wonder how many people even bother to care about those who actually help out. Will they help you with your wedding too? Time will tell I guess.

Things have been a little on the limbo for me these few days. Emotionally, I feel ... I dunno what to feel haha. You know, there are those people who are quick to judge when you compliment them? The funny thing is, when they are the ones that do the complimenting, it's as fake as the one they judged. Maybe I should be more gracious. Almost felt like a coverup to take an attention away from something. Maybe they are learning too. Learning to give praises and compliment, so it doesn't sound right yet. Hmmm ... I should be more gracious the next time. I have been quite discouraging. We all have our own journeys ....

Not a single contact for the past 2 weeks ... sigh.
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So near, and yet so far. What is happening? Should I care? But I do. Do I really care? Or so I want to care? I do, but ... what is happening?
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It’s funny. So many times I told myself in the past, don’t be angry with the little things, they don’t matter. You’re just wasting your time being angry and hurtful. I’ve been trying hard to live by that, but sadly, I’ve rarely succeeded. I find myself being a little petty sometimes, wanting to hurt the person who hurt me emotionally. Very childish, but it’s something, I feel everyone is struggling with at one point in their life. As for me, I found myself in the same situation again.

The simplest of words can be deadly. Sowing poisonous seeds to the mind, then to the heart. Growing into a tree of doubt. Sprouting fruits that is not of the Holy Spirit. Our flesh is weak, we anger easily. I’ve almost muted God in my head. Refusing to listen to Him. How childish of me …. “But that person hurt me, God … it’s not fair. I thought that person cared … it’s not fair, God.” See? Words, sowing poisonous seeds, growing a tree of doubt, sprouting rotten fruits. That is me.

Today was one of the lousiest morning I’ve had, but strangely peaceful. Then I realised, it’s like déjà vu. I’ve been through this before. I felt this way before. I acted … or should I say, reacted this way before. WHY am I making the same decision again? Realising that, I decided to take a step to reduce the damage.

You know, guys should always apologize first? Regardless of whether who’s right or who’s wrong … we should always apologize first. Bullshit. Every time I do, and what do I get? The word ‘loser’. Even when I do from the bottom of my heart, I get the word ‘loser’ in that person’s head. Should I even apologize then? I felt I had to. Principles. I hate conflicts. I want things to be fine and perfect, if it means losing my ego, pride and dignity in the process, I’ll just bite my tongue and do it. Most of the time, I doubt that person understands my heart.

Words kill. Careful with words. Having a mouth doesn’t give you the license to kill. Words kill. But God is creative, He gave us ears. Deadly words spoken from the mouth goes into one ear and comes out the other. I shouldn’t allow it to pass my brain. This requires practice.

I hate to rely on people. Always at their mercy. Even the people that I'm close to, kononnya can rely on them, always at their mercy. There are some that do come through for you, I've very grateful for them ... while some that I wish were more reliable, falls FLAT on the ground. I thought I was patient ... I just don't have enough of it yet. I need a lot more. I need to be more immune to words. Try to smile. BRING IT ON!
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