Jack said my last post was emo. Rayson said his last post was emo. I agree. Rayson seems to be a little better today, but don't really know why, he said it's like PMS. Hahahaha. Will stop with the third person speech now.

I realised the last post would had driven many to jump off a cliff, but I write what I feel. I don't really want to think of the consequences. I don't need encouragement, I don't need people to tell me everything is fine, I am able to sort things out at my own pace and eventually come to terms with whatever I'm going through.

On with life.

This is probably one of the few moments I hate being myself. I have too many things running around my mind ... and it's really difficult to sort them out. Especially when a lot of emotions are involved. It's like a bowl of salad. You have the sweetness in it, a little sour, a little bitter, a little salty. That's how I feel. I thought I was a little moody today ... well that's normal. I am moody. Besides, I lost my voice for 2 days now, I thought I regained it this afternoon ... but I guess I spoke a lot more than I usually do, so it’s gone now. It takes a lot of effort to speak now. Anyways, what a crappy day. I don't think I've achieved much today. I was too caught up with the silly things that were on my mind.

Sometimes I ask God why I feel the way I am? I often wonder if this is a kind of depression, but I doubt it. I'm not suicidal. Though while walking home today, I thought, if I was knocked down by a vehicle and return to God, would anyone miss me? Would my family miss me? It would be really selfish to say that no one will, because I know by now there are a few that would, people who are dearest to me. Then I thought, so here I am, lying dead on the road, having not achieved anything remarkable in live, how would I be remembered? I wonder. So, I've already begun a little project that would take a lifetime to complete. I've decided to write letters to everyone that I know, seal them up and hopefully one day when I'm gone; it would be presented to them to be read on my wake. Depressing thought? Maybe not. Some things are better said when you're dead ... hahahaha .... wait, was that funny? All you optimistic smarty pants will probably say "Some things are better said while you're still alive". I will not argue with that.

I said a little prayer this afternoon asking God to take away every emotional turmoil that I have. I really don't need this kind of rubbish in me. I ask God, why did He make me this way? Do I have to be so emotionally sensitive? I thought I was strong, maybe I was wrong. I always pride myself of being able to keep my emotions in check and think with a level head. Maybe pride is my downfall. Maybe I should talk and share a lot more, but I do, it’s just that there aren’t more than 3 people I know that I can open up to. Haha what irony, and here I am sharing my thoughts on the Internet. It’s so difficult to trust someone. How nice if everything in this world is simple and childlike … or maybe I should be simple and childlike and let God take care of the rest? Is that living by Faith? Hmmm …

Maybe today was just a really bad day. Maybe I’m upset about something. Maybe I’m just indifferent. Maybe I’m THINKING TOO MUCH. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t think for once and do what I need to do and not worry about the consequences? I bet that will be so liberating. No inhibitions, I could say the things I’ve always wanted to say to some people, but really now, that would be the end of me. What would you do? I told myself right after Jason passed away that I would lived my life with no regrets and cherish those who are close to me. To take actions a lot quicker, to seize opportunities, to say what I needed to say, to mean what I meant, and to love. I think I’m living all that now, but what am I missing?

Sometimes you feel really down for no plain as the nose on your face reason, your heart feels heavy and things around you move way way way way slower than usual. It’s like time slowed down to lengthen your despair. Sigh … this is too depressing, I better stop.

Some say I'm quiet, but I can be brash and loud when you know me.
Some say I'm shy, but I can be daring when I need to be.
Some say I'm anti-social, but I have phases in life.
Some say I'm an introvert, but it depends on who's company I'm in.
Some say I'm a private person, but I say spend time getting to know me and I'll share.
Some say I don't talk much, but I listen well.
Some say I think too much, but I'm a thinker.
Some say I'm cynical, but I think things through.
Some say I'm sarcastic, but I love you.
Some say I'll never fall in love, but I wish I didn't hear that.
Some say I'm laidback, but that's who I am.
Some say I'm carefree, but you don't know what goes through my mind.
Some say I can't take compliments, but it's true.

You say a lot of things, I say a lot of 'buts'.

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I think I've been a little bogged down lately. Dunno why, but sometimes your heart feels a little heavy because of the many things that goes through your head. It's the uncertainties that I hate the most. Sometimes quite full of nonsense lah. I'd like to be certain of things. Uncertainties make me quesy. I need to know and I have to know. Wait, what am I talking about again?

Oh btw, I had this really nice dream ... was at this beach, it was sunny and windy. Love the gentle breeze. I was dressed up in a nice suit, there were a few people seated in 2 rows forming an aisle, but I couldn't see their faces. They were wearing nice white outfits, some had flowers in their hair. The wind blew flower petals and it twirled .... lots and lots of flower petals. Everyone was happy, I knew I was happy hahahaha. In front of me was a platform, all white with 3 partitions at the back. The partition had criss-cross patterns on it, you could see through them. I could see a mic stand on the platform. A nice thin stand with a tiny mic. The wind was still blowing ... carrying flower petals with it. The next thing I knew, there was a girl next to me. Dressed in a white gown, with flowers on her hair. She smiled really sweetly, and said something ... but I couldn't hear what she was trying to say, but I remembered her face. In fact, I KNOW that face. Why is it when we dream sometimes we don't hear what people say or see the faces of the people we dream? I woke up. Weird. What's up with the flowers anyway. I've never had a dream like that before, but I felt happy hahahahaha very surreal. Looked and felt like a wedding, but I dare not say much. It's a dream afterall :)

It's not everyday I have happy dreams, most of my dreams are weird. Falling off bridges, climbing cliffs/mountains, was shot at once, holding a person's body in a pool of blood, flying (more like gliding) .... all these in a span of 3 years. Maybe my subconscious mind trying to tell me something ;)

Took a while for me to make this post, was away in Kuching since Easter Sunday and back this evening itself. Shaved off the beard, finally .... but only to realise that my face is a little 'smaller' now hahahaha ... took about 40 minutes to shave. To be honest, I feel a little weird without the beard now. I lost the strange habits of running my hands into the beard ... ugh. So, what's left of the beard is a long goatee and a mustache .... I could pass of as a Columbian drug pusher or a Mexican illegal immigrant :P Took off the mustche after Ps. Cheli mentioned that I look very Indian now. Hahahahaha.... I don't think I'll do anything like this anymore .... once is enough.

Had an awesome trip in Kuching. It's really amazing to see students in a particular notorious school turn over a new leaf with the implementation of the Attitude Breakthrough Challenge (ABC) program. It was really wonderful to be in a school setting once again ... have not stepped into one for the past 10 years. It's been that long. Ps. Cheli and Aunty Mei were really wonderful people, taking real good care of us.

I sat down and had a deep thought. If Ps.Cheli was my teacher while I was in school, I'd probably end up being a teacher today. I would want to do what he's doing now. Impacting and changing students one at a time. While we were there, you could see how much the students loved and respected him. Wish I had a teacher like that when I was in school. Oh well.

3 more days till it ends :) I wonder how long will it take to shave the beard off? hehehe ... can't wait. I think I've grown used to the beard now ... I bet it'll feel a little funny without it ... the trill you get running your fingers through it ... ahhhhh ...

Disgusting?

I have to rush home after Easter play on Sunday morning, remove the makeups, shave .... and rush back to church again. I wonder if I could make it in time. Will be flying off to Kuching on that afternoon itself, together with Daniel and Alvin for work. The thought of flying worries me a little .... nah, not the thoughts of plane crashes or turbulance ... more like the air pressure and my ears popping. I can't seem to handle it. Yes, I tried sucking on candy, yawning, you name it. The last trip back from KK was really tormenting ... made me felt like killing someone, jumping off the plane, banging on the pilot's door..... heh. Ears, nose, eyes ... ugh ... the pain .... oh well, Sarawak Laksa will be the only consolation now :)

No, no, no ... no terrorists here. kthxbai.