about me A loner, although do enjoy the occasional companionship, if you can handle it. Enjoys long term friendships, sensitive, ponders a lot about life and people. Monday, May 22, 2006
Days gone by.
[ 8:20 pm ] So many things on my mind … like those damn flies buzzing around … not a good analogy, but you get the point. I need a fly swatter. Ok, time to sort things out, one by one. Went out for dinner with a bunch of friends on Saturday at Telok Gong, it was a farewell dinner for Celine :) Food was good, kinda cheap considering the dishes that we ordered. I think we ordered 9 dishes … 2 types of crabs … MmmmMMmmm … I’m not much or a crab eater (though I crap a lot), takes me about 10-15 minutes to go through half a body piece. Yeah, quite long, eh? I like to clean up the buggers. Yik Sean ordered 2 large bottles of Todi (Fermented Coconut Juice), wasn’t my liking. Although smooth but the smell was just too much. No more Todi for me. Kinda reminded myself of the time when I took this cheap red wine … smells bad. It was good to be around these people, though I didn’t talk much but enjoyed the company lah. Time sure fly damn fast … didn’t realise I know these people for 9 years already. All the best Celine, may you find a chun gwailoh husband there that owns a horse stable. Sunday was quite a boring day for me. I kinda lazed around at home … like a cat. Hahahaha … Morning service was ok, though David Sanborn’s performance was exactly the same as Friday’s. Word for word, it was exact. Quite a talented guy. It’s amazing the kind of talents God blesses us with. By the way, I was sitting next to 2 hyperactive kids. Now, some of you that know me, I don’t really like children … only certain children that I like, I’m quite selective when it comes to children. Ok ok ok I won’t say I don’t like children, I’m kinda ‘particular’ about children. Naughty children I don’t like, good behaving ones, I like. Hey, who doesn’t?? Man, these kids were just so noisy. Felt like chaining them to a chair … hahahaha … bad thought, bad thought … in church some more. Must be more Christ-like. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve hold a baby before, although there were countless of times I’ve been asked to … can’t do it. Scared. So fragile. I’ll probably want to hold my own baby only. The feeling is different. Yeah, kids are cute and all, there are some that have a special place in this harden heart of mine. Went out for a little walk and shopping, but came back 2 hours later ‘coz I felt really pathetic and de-motivated having to walk around alone. It didn’t use to bother me last time, but now, somehow it does. Feels kinda …… weird. Maybe I haven’t been doing it for a while now. I ended up in Carrefour. Did a little dry grocery shopping, man … I love it. Today’s Monday. I started off the day with quite a good mood, only to be agitated and ‘slightly’ offended over something small. Lunch mood was gone man. Sometimes I feel I’m overly-sensitive. How come small things tend to have a big effect on me? Words that people speak, their actions, their tone of voice … how come? I shouldn’t really care, but sometimes it hits right at the spot that no one notices, and it hurts. Damn. I wanna forget about it. Time to have a little chat with Dad later. I think today was quite a productive day, finished with the Teenacity launch video. Took me a solid 4 hours of work to finish it up. Gonna wait for DG to get the audio done, then need to ‘post’ it using After Effects. Hopefully I can get this done and over with before lunch tomorrow. Man, I need to finish up the AYA Festival 2007 site as well, by Wednesday. How lah, wei? I always thought of myself as a quick fella, but this is cutting it close man. Not by my strength but by … ahhh … waiting for a bible verse, eh? ;) That’s all for today, thanks for reading if you cared enough. 0 comments Saturday, May 20, 2006
Contented.
[ 1:47 pm ] There used to be this girl (she’s still around and well alive) in school that I had a crush on. We were both in the Interact Club, where I met her. I was only 17, naïve and very very inexperienced. So embarrassing. I wonder what drew me to her. Thinking about it, it was nothing more than infatuation. Anyways, the reason why I brought this up was, I met her little brother in church yesterday night. It was a little weird. After 10 years, you’d think you won’t hear anything about her :) She’s going through marriage counseling with her current boyfriend now, that’s sweet. I’m really happy for her, hahaha. Everyone seems to be getting married these days. Pressured? Hardly. All in due time. God makes all things beautiful in His time, not mine. He only has the best things in stored for me, revealing little bits to me each day. I thank God for his love and care for me :) So Christian today, hahaha … but it’s true, God is beautiful. You know, sometimes when I pray my mind tend to wander a little, it takes discipline to focus. I had a ‘vision’ of a green field, green grass with a patch of mud somewhere in the field. The image of the cross was embedded on the mud. I wonder what that meant or how come my mind could conceive such an image. It was only a split second. Other times, you get beautiful colours, hahaha … reminds you of those MP3 player visualisations. Will be leaving for Singapore this coming Wednesday for 3 days. Can’t wait!! Time to shop :) I hope it won’t be that stressful, I’d like to have fun, let loose and go wild … yeah, can’t imagine, right? ;) Hope I brought the right partner along … Jack. Ok, right?? Let’s have fun. I’ve been feeling really contented and happy the whole week, although there were times that I felt uncertain and uneasy, but ok-lah, committed all that into God’s hand. Let Him ‘kao tim’ for me. Is that what people meant by having faith? I wonder. 0 comments Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I don't care.
[ 7:48 pm ] Someone told me that the first impression I gave her was that of the badass look and attitude. Hmmm I wonder did I really have that kind of impression. I somehow had a gut feeling all these while why some people avoid me for unknown reasons and why I only attract certain crowds … and girls (usually those skimpy clad, la-la, smoking, drinking kind … being a stereotype here). I asked Cheryl once if people are afraid of me, or how I plainly put it, “Do you think I'm scary?” If I remembered correctly, she said something like, “Nope, though, I did think you were unfriendly in the beginning ... hehe ... but that’s last time” Well, that’s a first. When I was in college people automatically offer me a smoke or ask for a lighter, although I don’t smoke at all. You can imagine the look on their faces. How come? Any other sins, I’ve done, smoking, nope. Weird? Btw, I love zippo lighters, but don’t have the reason to buy one yet. Anyways, that’s not the topic today. I do realise that strangers tend to shy away or keep a distance from me, especially girls, very cautious. Hello? I should be one doing that. Anyways, that’s not the topic today. I enjoy wearing simple clothing, mainly sticking with T-Shirt and a pair of good jeans, un-tucked shirt, rings, necklaces, bracelets … used to have earrings in college but stopped wearing. Look quite normal what? Must be the aura I’m carrying. Anyways, that’s not the topic for today. ‘Good’ girls tend to be less interested in me for some reasons, dunno why. Some don’t even bother to know you but already made an association of your image with behaviour. Weird. Then again, I’m not interested with those kinds anyways. Living in a sheltered world not knowing how the world works or how cruel people can be. Disappointments, stupid mistakes, regrets, sinking in a hole with only a string tied to your finger … man that builds character. Maybe it’s my dad’s influence on me. Anyways, that’s not the topic for today. I think I asked Jack before about my behaviour. He said people are afraid (girls mostly) by the way I talk? Don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I talk. Quite normal. Loud? I hardly talk wei. Maybe I’m very expressive. Good what. Can’t take it too bad lah. At least I stopped swearing and cursing. One particular girl told me this once, “Rayson … last time I’m really scared of you one, you know? But, now ok. ” Eh … I don’t blame her, since she’s timid by nature. I think I’m quite gentle what. Anyways, that’s not the topic for today. Well, you can’t stop people from thinking anything about you. First impression counts, just too bad mine hasn’t been great. I think I need to smile more or at least be a little happier, letting it show on my stoned face. I think I have a colgate smile, need to smile more without looking spastic. Janita once said she prefer my angry look. Then again, she’s weird. Second ex once said she preferred the smiley look. Ok. I prefer my I-don’t-care look. What’s the topic for today? I don’t care. 0 comments Sunday, May 14, 2006
Shadows.
[ 11:41 pm ] Shadows are like your past. Sometimes they are in front of you, next to you, or behind you. When they are in front it’s like your past is there staring and mocking you, reminding you. When your shadow is next to you, it’s like you’re walking together, “let’s get through this together”, when your shadow is behind you, then it’s time to move on from your past and not look back. Am I making any sense? This came to me as a revelation while talking to someone ... somewhere ..., but I didn’t really share it … maybe I should. 0 comments Saturday, May 13, 2006
What the heck.
[ 9:18 pm ] Suddenly I'm happy, and then all of a sudden I'm drepressed now. What the heck. I'm trying hard to be happy here. Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Think happy thoughts Ok. Happy. Not .... No happy thoughts ... 0 comments Friday, May 12, 2006
Highlight.
[ 10:34 pm ] Tired. Pooped. No energy. Moody yet Happy. Is that even possible?
What a day. I slept really really late last night and woke up around 9am ‘coz of an appointment with Sunil and David Gan for an all day outing. We agreed on highlighting our hair together at Trinity (just behind office), since I suggested the idea of highlighting my hair to the both of them just the other day. So off we went to Trinity around 11am. It was really difficult for me to pick a colour. If you guys don’t know yet, I’m very picky. So many shades of colour, how to choose lah? I didn’t want anything wild or anything that draws too much attention (I have a problem with that) … so I picked something a little more natural :) I like how it looks actually. Nice. Sunil went wild; he’s a regular Indian Joe now, whereas David went copper hahaha. We spent about 3 hours in Trinity … damn long man.
David wanted to do manicure … yeah. I didn’t want to have anything to do with that although I agree my nails are really bad and all, but manicure? I’m not MAN enough. Anyways, we had to cancel the appointment coz we spent a great deal of time at Trinity. Empowered by the divine shades of colour on our head, we told ourselves we won’t be eating at any mamak joints for lunch. No way. We went Sri Devis for banana leaf ……… funny. It feels a little awkward with the hair colour at first, but after that not too bad lah. Don’t care. At least I felt safe.
We were suppose to go Isetan after lunch but had to change our plans. We went 1U instead. Damn place was packed with people, should had known better since it’s a public holiday after all. I went to shop around for a nice pair of jacket/blazer … can’t seem to find the right one (picky), although there were a few nice ones, they were either too Alex, too Andy or too Evan. HAHAHAHA. How lah, I don’t want to look like anybody. I want to be me. There’s this chun SEED jacket, but it was waaaaay too expensive for someone like me. Window shop only loh …
The both of them spent quite a while looking at watches … hmmm … come to think of it, I’ve never bought any watches all my life. All the watches I ever had were all given to me … weird. The one I’ve been wearing for almost 6 years now was from my 21st birthday … damn long right? But it didn’t bother me though, so as long I could tell the time, ok lah … no need to buy another watch. So as long it’s not broken, I’ll still use it, unless someone gives me another watch hahahaha …. Yeah yeah … Rayson damn cheap. Heck even the wallet I’m using now was a gift from my ex. It’s still good, I love it, no need to throw it away. Is this weird?
Anyways, my thoughts for today. God plans every detail of our lives. I believe in it. Right down to the people that we meet, the crap we go through, the lessons we learn, the mistakes we make, etc. Everything is all planed. Every prayer uttered is heard, every thought is known by Him, every intentions of the heart is felt by Him. God knows everything about us, why? Because, He’s the author and finisher of our lives. My life is an open book to Him. He spots the ink blotches, the torn pages, even sentences that’s been liquid papered over a few times hahhahaha. Thank you Daddy God for allowing me to go through the crap I had, for allowing me learn and pick myself up from stupid mistakes and for Your grace. Without these life experiences, my identity is not complete, my life is not colourful nor will be able to show compassion to those who had taken the same road as naively I had. What’s in the next page and chapter, God? I can only wonder. 0 comments Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Pancakes for dinner?
[ 8:57 pm ] Met up with Celine and Denise for dinner at Padington Pancakes (nice place wei …) I got Jack to tag along hahaha … just for good company sake. Not to say Celine and Denise are not good company, but more people ok what. It was good to see Denise again, it’s been a few months now. Celine is flying off to Melbourne next month to do her Masters (what’s with people and Masters nowadays?), so it’s a good time to catch up while I still can … since I procrastinate a lot.
I brought along 2 old photo albums that were taken during our college days. Hahaha … good memories. We talked about a few things, the good old times mostly. Jason was missed a lot. I remembered the fun times we had :) The ups and downs … the silly things we do just for the heck of it, the laughs we bring … hahaha … it feels so strange. Was I really like that? Was I so … so extrovert? How come? What happened? What’s different now? Jack said maybe it’s because at that time I was alone and free … since my family wasn’t around to keep an eye on me (haha)… so wild a bit. Yeah maybe.
I miss him a lot. I wonder how tonight’s dinner would be different if he was around. The stupid jokes he would crack, it’ll be a circus all right hahahaha. God, why did you give me a good friend and You take him away? I had that thought in me and I felt really sad. But I choose to thank You because You surround me with friends that care, but don’t take anymore away.
About my last post, my sister tried to interpret the dream. She said maybe the room is my heart and the rubbish in it, is what’s in my heart or life, and the extra pair of hands is God’s. Sounds sensible. Maybe I need to let God do His work in me, slowly moving all the junk out of the room. But how come there’s so many junk in it … do I really have that much issues to deal with. Wait … yeah. One thing at a time. God made me too complicated. 0 comments Monday, May 08, 2006
Weird dream ...
[ 8:56 pm ] This is one of those dreams that don’t make sense at all. I doubt it’ll ever make any sense. I was in a room, a bedroom to be more precise. It was a regular room … a square room with white walls and a ceiling fan. The room was in a TOTAL MESS. There were A LOT of things in it, filling ¾ of the room, you can find all sorts of things in it … but to me I knew they were rubbish. There was a mattress on the floor, occupying the other ¼ of the room. I think this was someone’s bedroom. Anyways, in that dream I had to clean up the room. OMG noooooo … not that mess!! How do you expect me to clean up a room full of junk … no way … but I had to do it. So I had to move the items out of the room one by one. I saw spiders, cockroaches and centipedes running around the floor while I was clearing the room … but I was not afraid. I noticed another pair of hands helping me, but I didn’t notice whose hands it was. I was too busy clearing the room I guess. In the end the room was cleared … and that was it. Weird, right? How come dreams don't make sense at all? 0 comments Sunday, May 07, 2006
Mind needs rest.
[ 11:40 pm ] I find myself expressing a lot in words lately; it helps me keep my mind sane. A thought or word came to mind today.
Individuality Each person is made unique and different through God’s ever perfect mastery and yet some share similarities. I am a person who is very strongly individualistic. I know my identity and proud of it. Here’s a question. Should you throw away or shrink your identity to conform to a larger culture? I know I won’t, because that would be denying myself. I am made the way I am, correct? Yes, environment plays a role in shaping a person’s behaviour but deep down you know what’s natural and what’s not. Anyways, I’m happy being myself, just don’t expect me to change to suit your need. I read somewhere before, a little quote, don’t remember who said it, but it sounds something like this;
“As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others”
True. Maybe I need to respect the uniqueness in others first. Here’s another thought.
Love
Most talked about topic ever (besides sex). I was thinking to myself, hey love is this and that (we heard about the clichés statements before) but here’s one I was thinking about. Love is not about gazing at each other, but in looking together at the same direction. Correct or not? Must have direction first. Know what you want, work towards it. Here are some last thoughts. Don’t care what people say about you. Do what’s right before God, but you better be damn well sure what you’re doing is right. 0 comments Friday, May 05, 2006
Yawn...
[ 12:48 am ] Eric’s call woke me up from my deep slumber. Whatlah … it’s only 10am. He’s coming over for a voice recording. Gotta lend a hand to a brother. Came home a little late yesterday, realised I didn’t bath so took a bath first thing in the morning …. eww …? Sometimes it happens lah.
Accompanied Sunil to the hospital in Klang together with Edwin and David to visit one of his crewmate. Yes, it was weird visiting someone that you don’t even know, but since it’s done for the greater good, why not, huh? We got ourselves lost getting there. Since we’re going to this hospital that no one heard of, the best thing to do was to ask for directions at a clinic instead from a petrol attendant (stupid fella gave us wrong directions).
Finally made our way to the hospital. The ward was packed with family members, didn’t get to talk much but at least managed to leave a copy of Actsclaim. Hopefully he reads it. I could sense that he was trying to be strong but you can’t hide that in your eyes. Maybe I’m just a little bit more sensitive to these things. Eyes don’t hide what’s in your heart.
Anyways, we didn’t stay there for long, so we had dinner at Boston since everyone was hungry. Ummm … after a few plates of mee and slipper lobsters I couldn’t take in anymore … but noooooooooo we had to have supper 15 minutes after dinner. Excellent. Malaysia Boleh spirit. So David took us to this place to eat something that look like a plate of lobak … but according to him it’s not … looks the same to me. I took about 3-4 pieces and that was it. I’m a small eater. None of us could finish what’s on the plate … so we ended up tah-pauing the leftovers. Gluttons. I don’t understand these food manias or craze that some people in church have. Why? To me it just shows how little self control you have. The same goes for you people that have perpetual obsession about durians.
I was really tired from the trip and my eyes were heavy. Dropped dead on my bed hahaha. How was the week? Well, it was pretty normal I guess. Daniel and I had a talk about a little side-business opportunity we might venture into just for the heck of it, sounds plausible, let’s jump into it :) Problem with me, I think too much, but after thinking about this idea and letting it sink in … I believe it’s feasible. Let’s do it man.
The dream I had didn’t really bother me much anymore. Decided to take it as it is and not over analyse it. Sometimes it’s good to keep things simple, ya? I have got to learn that. 0 comments Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Retreat.
[ 10:41 pm ] LIFE retreat was good … not “Rar Rar” good, but well, ok lah. Someone asked me if I benefited from the camp, I pondered for a while. I think I did. I knew a few more people a lot better, and of course and little more about myself. I really enjoyed Adeline Eng’s personality profiling session. I now realized why I get along well with some people … coz we’re the same hahahaha. We did the temperament tests … Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, Melancholic … yeah, that test. Didn’t surprise me that I’m Melancholic-Phlegmatic. I found a few people who were like me. I’m happy. No wonder I could talk with them hahaha. Jack led 2 worship sessions while I ‘backed’ him on another guitar. It felt really awkward, have not played in front of anyone for many many years … and what more, in front of GOD … I did what I could with my rusty skills, but I thank God for giving me a passion for music and hearing. Though both need real practice ... one day I’ll improve. If only I didn’t stop playing 7 years ago. I want to play like Evan and Bryan hahaha. I felt a little out of place in camp, don’t think I talked much except to a few people that I’m really comfortable with. I find it very difficult to mix around … so weird. Then again, I don’t see the need to, I don’t mind staring into space to clear my thoughts and having time with myself. Anti-social? Perhaps. But I appreciate those who made the effort to talk to me, sorry for not being engaging, maybe we don’t share the same wavelength. I kinda like my group, Hartz. We didn’t had to do much for the cheers or short sketch hahaha … kinda relaxing, not so ‘kan cheong’ or kiasu like the rest of the other groups :P I like our cheer … it’s dumb and lame … but that’s us. I think I’m dumb and lame sometimes. Ok … maybe most of the time. It’s amazing how some people are able to put up with me and how some just get turned off :O~ I think lameness is part of my family gene … I sort of got my voice back during camp, not entirely but it’s so much better now compared to a few days ago. I can’t hit the regular notes yet, maybe in a few more days I hope. I can’t sing yet … sigh. I wanted to sing and praise God, but some words wouldn’t come out right and went to silent … I did what I could lah. The last day of camp we had to do our own personal devotion, instead a few of us (like me) didn’t. So, what did I do? I basked under the morning sun (I love the morning sun), and was deep in thought over something. I should have spent that time talking to God because I felt I haven’t been talking to him much lately. God knows my thoughts … that scare me sometimes. We had the game sessions on the second day of camp. I wasn’t really interested with the games though … but well, do what you gotta do. I don’t like running around. I don’t mind sitting down and sharing about life to someone. Did I bless anyone while in camp? I wonder. I should make it a point to be a blessing to someone wherever I am. Was I blessed in the camp? Maybe, I just need to open up my eyes and my heart a little to understand. There were a lot of bugs at camp; it’s quite fascinating to see some react to those huge moths, rhino beetles, praying mantis, etc. It was quite normal for me though, having grown up in an estate for 17 plus years. Snakes, spiders, giant centipedes … you see them quite often. I think I have to be a little cautious nowadays with the things I share with some people. You can never be too careful. Are secrets really secrets? What a joke. It’s always wise to share different things with different people but not the same things and everything to one and only one confidante :) Even the things that I write about in this blog aren’t fully complete anyways. I thank God for giving me close friends that I can share my heart out with. I know there are many more out there, I will find you one day. 0 comments Archives nothing |
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