about me A loner, although do enjoy the occasional companionship, if you can handle it. Enjoys long term friendships, sensitive, ponders a lot about life and people. Thursday, July 26, 2007
Time.
[ 5:08 pm ] It’s been a long while since I’ve actually sat down and … write :P I bought a new PDA Phone 2 weeks ago … the reason? I needed to organise my daily life a little. Why not a regular organiser you say? A geek like me deserves a geeky pda phone, ‘nuff said. Check out the HTC Touch if you’re into gadgets. So far the little thing has been really wonderful; it’s been occupying my time instead of having my mind roaming around nonsense. I realised that I’ve been really forgetful … or starting to be forgetful. Short term and long term memories are a mess right now. I can’t remember what I did last night, what I ate for breakfast yesterday, where I placed my keys, where I’m suppose to be driving to, the shortest route, double scoop of sugar when I’ve already put in some … just to name a few. I’m worried. I used to be really proud of my memory … and now? I can’t remember for the life of me. What is happening? Age catching up? Nonsense. I don’t believe that. What’s worse is … names escape my mind sometimes. People I know .. sometimes I cannot recall their name … hahaha … how awkward. Been going to the gym since January this year … and it’s July now? I don’t see much results … haha. Waste of money. I hate going to the men’s locker … it can be rather … gross. You see fat guys in their underwear chatting, and sometimes if you’re like really UNLUCKY, you see fat guys without their underwear … chatting. Now, for the life of me, why would I want to go through that torture? I know it’s a men’s locker, but there has to be some level of decency. You’d think you’ll find really chun girls working in gyms, right? Right? Right? Eh … disappointed lah. I dunno where they are … hahaha. Instead I find a lot of aunties. Maybe it’s the time I’m there … oh well. Work has been quite rewarding. Kinda happy to be involved with a commercial project. Apart from that, travelling back from work is really stressful. Typically on good days, it usually takes around 40minutes to get home … but once it starts raining … 2 hours plus. That’s a lot of time wasted on the road. That’s too much time spent thinking about nonsense on the road. That’s too much time wasted wondering about your life. That’s too much time wasted cursing at the car in front of you. That’s too much time wasted wondering if some idiot was in an accident. That’s too much time wasted listening to J.Lo rambling on radio. I now know why some people turn up half dead at church. I was, yesterday. I used to not have the urgency to be at church during the weekdays after work for any events or whatsoever when I was with AYA … and this is really out of honesty. Nowadays, I actually worry about being late and things that I’ll be missing for the first 30 minutes. It feels good to be in God’s house. It’s starting to be comforting after a really long day at work … however there are days where you’re just ‘out’. For those days, I just want to pack my bag and go home. Those that never feel that way, tipulah you all. Who are you kidding? I’ve been getting weird dreams these few nights, some gives a long lasting impression while some are just utter nonsense. Really … nonsense. They don’t make any sense … and I’m not inclined to share them here :) Maybe it’s just a sign that I have too many things in my head … so the little brain goes to work at night piecing the random thoughts together making random ‘movie’. Yeah, maybe hahaha. I’m starting to miss a lot of people. Most aren’t around anymore, I wonder if I’ll see them anytime soon … 0 comments Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I miss ...
[ 1:01 am ] the cool breeze on my face, a starlit night, a bonfire, looking at waves gently pounding the beach, walking by the beach, the sand between my toes, the morning mist, the sound of emptiness, the fancy pancakes from Paddingtons ... Sigh. 0 comments Thursday, July 19, 2007
Stop.
[ 11:00 pm ] When will this end? How long will it be? Feels familiar … I walked this valley before. Everything looks familiar to me and I feel the same kind of fear that I had before. Experience tells me so much, but my heart tells me to delve deeper … but I don’t want to. I’m not ready to find what’s down there. Time to stop wondering, I feel lost and without direction at the moment. I’ve been through this before and I never thought I’d be like this again. I have too many things to do and my heart is messed up. I cannot concentrate and give my best, but yet I will still try. Even if the sky falls, I should always give my best. Maybe working in 2 places is really not the best thing for me. The money is good, but my head is split, responsibilities are split. I know I am tough enough to handle these pressures, but sometimes I feel like breaking. I see my relationship with people grow further and further … without even knowing why. I ask, no one bothers to answer me. I observe, I see the norm … there’s more than meets the eye. Gut feeling has been telling me many things. How should I feel God? You tell me. 0 comments Monday, July 09, 2007
Think no more.
[ 2:17 pm ] These few years after college, I’ve been letting my head do the thinking so much that I’ve nearly forgotten about the heart. Maybe because having my heart fail over and over again made me use my head more hahaha … maybe it’s just seasoned experience. I never knew how irritating it was until it was pointed to me. Yeah, now I find it irritating, but sometimes you just can’t help using your head. Over analysing, a lot of ‘if-then-else’ scenarios in my head. My goodness … I’m a living breathing computer program. These 2 days, I’ve been desperate enough to find out, what happened. I was not like how I am today when I was in school, college or even my early working life. So, what happened? So I read back some of my earlier blog entries … hmm … how come most of the entries are childish? What happened? Heck most entries even sounded chirpy. So … unlike me. There’s only one post in 2004, though I don’t remember much of what happened in my life that time …… wait, I knew what happened. No wonder. To think that it has profound effects. I wonder if this is better? Or ten years back? Maybe I really grew a lot. Maybe nothing died, just asleep in me. Maybe I shouldn’t be too critical of myself and just take things as it comes … and really forget about it? Wasn’t it that way? It gets really tiring remembering all your mistakes and regrets, it’s an emotional burden. I know I’m quite developed as an individual, I cannot deny that … and I cannot deny that it’s done and over, meaning there’s nothing for me to improve anymore … now, it’s to have a harmonious mix of head and heart. It has tip the scale for too long now, time to realign it. YOU CAN DO IT! Chewah … self-motivation. 0 comments Saturday, July 07, 2007
Deep.
[ 3:56 pm ] Deep is the chasm. I threw my voice across to the other side. Did you hear it? I tried building a bridge across, but ran out of wood, so I threw my voice across from the edge of the incomplete bridge. Did you hear it? How do I get across? There is a deep chasm. I can’t fly, I can’t jump and I can’t swing my way across, but I could throw my voice. Did you hear it? How long do I have to stand at this side? Always looking and trying to reach you. 0 comments Friday, July 06, 2007
Wounded, ain't defeated.
[ 1:07 am ] Life can be cruel at times. Careful when you say that, in a way, indirectly you’re implying that God is unfair and unkind to you. I am learning this the hard way, since things are always almost clearer when you are in the thick of the situation. Sometimes I hate it with all my guts. I ask God. Why? There isn’t always an answer. Sometimes people need to feel a little regret in their lives, otherwise there’s too much pride and over confidence. Both aren’t the best to have in any case … better not to have both. Regrets? I do have them, I have a lot ... but I try not to dwell in them for too long. I learn from regrets, not the best way to learn things, but effective. I always think of myself as a repairman. Fixing some regrets I have. Sometimes it does work and wounds are healed, other times, it just opens up old wounds. You can’t fix everything. I can’t fix everything. God fixes everything. I used to give up a lot when things get too rough. Just admit defeat and pack your bags. It took a long time to learn. Really long time. Always got bullied in school, picked on, spat on, even persecuted on. Never much of a ‘hero’ to say the least, but I was good with the little things I have. It takes courage and a lot of public humiliation on my part to learn, but I found my identity. I know who I am. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know the type of music I enjoy, I know what kinda girls I like, I know what kinda girls I don’t. But one thing I realised, was the importance of having someone believing in you. Sad to say, not many do. I grew up asking myself, how come? Don’t they have faith in me and what I can do? I know I can do this, how come you don’t believe in me? Deep inside was a kid always searching for someone to believe in him. He found very few. So he grew up believing only in himself. There is no strength in there. There’s none. I found out, there is strength, joy and comfort when someone believes in you and in the things that you do. It’s so hard to find these people. I lost some. I lost one. 0 comments Sunday, July 01, 2007
Transformers.
[ 6:02 pm ] I watched Transformer last Thursday with a bunch of MMU fellas … don’t even know most of them. Anyways, I was there to watch the movie, didn’t bother me much if I didn’t know all of them. I could possibly be the oldest among them. Heh. The movie was really awesome, made me felt like a kid again. It’s like one of the very few movies that I wanted to watch for the second time. I drove to KL yesterday so that I could join up with the rest to hang out after their IMAX movie session. I remembered clearly mentioning it a few times to both people. I even said let’s have dinner in KL, Jalan Alur or something. In fact, I didn’t even hear any ‘No’s nor any other suggestions that were telling otherwise. So that was the plan, or so I thought :) Mana tahu, when I was there, it was as if the plan was non-existent. I don’t know if this was a serious miscommunication or just plain ‘I don’t care about it’ attitude. Knowing the kind of person that I am, I am really stupid enough to give everything and anyone a benefit of a doubt. So, I gave a worthy benefit of a doubt. That was that, but did things turn out well? Of course not haha. I couldn’t remember the last time someone walked away … I think it was 1999, 1Utama McDonalds. Ah … nostalgia. What’s done is done, no point looking at the past and dwell in it. So was there something to learn in this? Yes. Look intently into a person’s eye and ask a question for a VALID confirmation, and then get them to sign a document with their blood as prove of word. Pride makes us do things in a split second with regrets that lasts for hours. I am starting to doubt a lot of things lately. Where is the trust you place in a person? Only to have the trust misplaced when whatever conversations that you shared is shared with other parties? I wonder. Is there such a thing as privacy anymore? I’ve come to realise that … this blog isn’t really personal anymore … I just can’t explain how come there’s more weird IPs connecting in. Time to check the log. 0 comments Archives nothing |
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