about me A loner, although do enjoy the occasional companionship, if you can handle it. Enjoys long term friendships, sensitive, ponders a lot about life and people. Sunday, March 30, 2008
Things are sweet afterall.
[ 11:44 pm ] Looks like I won’t be getting a guitar that soon after all. My insurance bill came and that’s quite a sum of money to pay. My life each year, cost that much? Not sure to be happy or sad about it. Either way, I’m not worried, because I know somehow my desires will come through. I don’t know where the money is gonna come from, but somehow it will. Oh, Kanmani is back from the States. I took her out yesterday, to satiate her craving for everything Malaysian again. It was fun to be in her company once again. Really miss those times. Still very much the same person I remember her to be, intelligent, witty, silly, unabashed and insightful. Though I think maybe age could have caught up with her, which I personally feel it’s a great thing. She’s a lot more mature now … umm … behaviour wise, I meant. Haha. Did I have a great time? Let’s just say, I value old friends a lot. I really miss deep, passionate, intellectual conversations!!! It was such a breath of fresh air. I’m not sure if I was any much help to her predicament, but I do hope the 5 ringgit bill explanation about Malaysia helped :) I’m trying my best at work, though sometimes I wonder if that’s enough. Maybe it’s a stupid trait that I have, always feeling that I’m not doing enough, always finding the elusive perfect way of doing things. Perfection will be the downfall of me. Sometimes, THE BEST isn’t perfect, you know? But I hope that doesn’t stop me from reaching it. At least I know, if I do fail, I did my best. People my age are all enjoying success, at the top of their game, leading the pack in the rat race, married, having a family, etc. Where do I stand? I am such a late bloomer. Seriously, sometimes I wonder, are they really happy? Are they really doing something that they want? Are they achieving things in life because life dictates it? I have no material ‘achievements’. I don’t have a big house to flaunt, a flashy car (I don’t consider my car a flashy one, ahem), or even the money to throw. Wait a minute. I don’t even give a damn about it, lol. I know for a fact, materials don’t give me the happiness I look for, but I won’t be so silly as to add that I don’t need it. It’s a necessity, but I won’t allow it to rule me. I had this thought the other day. Maybe it isn’t much of a thought anymore, as it has become a desire. Say, one day, you made a whole load of money. What’s the first thing you’re going to do? Passionately I said, I wanna give the 10% to my church! Wow, what an awesome person you are! God bless you! (being cynical here) I bet all of us have this thought. It’s always so very easy to imagine. I’ll never know until it happens. But there is one principle that I know is right. I will bless Him because He first blessed me. But hey, am I happy? I am. Am I satisfied? Well, not quite there yet. But I will count my blessings. I still thank God for an awesome job that I have, the responsibilities that I carry, the car that HE blessed me with, the family that HE’s holding together, the FRIENDS that I have and the future and promises He has in store for me. So, you’re saying, “Wow, he looks alright, everything seems to be taken care of” Au contraire my friend. I have my struggles and worries to deal with, but He knows the things I struggle through and the stuff that worries me. We each walk our own journey in life, for me, I know I’m not walking alone. He’s just there. Isn’t it great? I wonder if what Ps. Sandra told me the other day will ever come true. 0 comments Saturday, March 22, 2008
Guitar huntin!
[ 12:22 pm ] So discouraged. That’s what I’ve been feeling lately. These past 2 weeks I’ve been looking around for a good acoustic guitar to purchase. I didn’t realise it was such a monumentous task, well … for me at least. Been to a couple of different shops already, AND visiting the same shops more than 2 times … speaking of which, I’ll be checking out another store in Cheras later this afternoon. A few of the guys have been quite helpful in my … umm … ‘journey’ of finding the perfect guitar. I think I know a lot more about guitars now than I’ve ever did these past few years. Why go through all the trouble you say? Aren’t you already happy with your current one? Well, I’m not. To be perfectly honest, I’m not. I don’t see it lasting through the years. Besides, I told someone that getting a good guitar is something that I want it to be passed down to my children and grandchildren and theirs … fancy thinking? I hope not. I have nothing to pass down, no legacy, at least I want them to know that granddad loved his guitar and love you guys enough to let you have his. An heirloom la … it’s not a silly thought … not to me. Is this what you call investing into the future? Oh wait, that’s insurance. I really hope to find one that I like … and really, there’s no point in getting an expensive one while my skills remained the same. My skill doesn’t match the price of the guitar! At the moment it probably matched a 500 bucks one hahaha … Oh well, with a budget of 2.5 grand, my skills better improve to match the price. A lot of people think that I’ve got the MONEY now since I’ll be buying a guitar … actually … hahahahaha … no lah. I don’t know where the money is gonna come from. I’m just doing this by faith, I know I want a guitar, just don’t know how I’m getting one. I’m doing this because I believe I am getting one. Don’t ask me how. I know I am getting one. Hey, stop asking la. Ah, I’ve booked my tickets to Kuching in August. Going for Erica’s wedding on 8-8-08. Man … had been flying a lot more than usual this year. I think it should be fun, since it’ll be like the usual ex-Sunway crowd again. Miss those times. Funny thing happened yesterday night, Pastor Kenneth was commenting on my … umm … attire for work. Said I looked like those guys working at Google, shirt + jeans + white sneakers and with a couple of million bucks hidden somewhere. Cute. Did I mention how much I love working in start-ups? Especially in a small team where everyone is just in a single location and you can just shout across the office floor. You get to wear what you’re comfortable with, no pesky HR guys telling you not to come in late and go back early, no one to check on your work. It’s great. I love the responsibility. If I messed up, that’s my mess to fix. So, what to do? Don’t mess up lor. God has been really good. Ahh .. time to go out and look for a guitar. Kthxbai! 0 comments Friday, March 14, 2008
You want me to sing with you?
[ 5:20 pm ] Felt a little down today, maybe a little bit more confused than down. Hey, those 2 feelings don't mix very well. I think I need to re-evaluate a few things in my life. What's important now? My work? My so called career? My family? My friends? Church? The ever diplomatic one would say, there has to be a balance between all, while the Christian brother down the road says, God should be place above all. Hmmm ... human nature sets in ... somehow God is always at the back of our head. Knowing He's there but ... yet, He's at the back ... we're in front. How wrong is that? I had a pleasant dream last night :) It's one of those vivid dreams that remains with you throughout the day. I think this dream kinda showed me what an awfully aloof person I am and how one person was the opposite. So, here it goes. In that dream I think I was at a dinner function. It's one of those that I'll go ... "Crap, who am I sitting with, argh ... no one I know" So, I found my table, it was mostly occupied already with people that I don't know. I took my seat next to a ... umm, girl who's quite lively and ... chirpy. Friendly. She introduced herself, and I ... ignored her. WWHAT THE!! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?! Now, as far as I can recall, she's was quite cute (again, I wish this person was real and not in a dream) .... don't know why I ignored her. She was quite persistent, and talked and talked and talked ... but, it wasn't boring. She was ... interesting, the things she talked about (dunno what la). Hah ... and the funny thing is, she said she's from Kota Kinabalu and her name is *censored*. I rather keep the name private. Then she said she's gonna perform a song later on stage and asked if I would like to join her? Ahem, being myself, you could be Miss Universe or some princess from a distant country, that still won't get me go on stage. Not gonna happen. She said, she's gonna sing "More than Words", took my hands and .... next thing I knew, I was up on stage with her, but, I was feeling really comfortable and not awkward of the whole thing. Then the scene shifted to me flying to KK. Umm ... then she took me to a place that looked like a beach, 'coz there were coconut trees. We were in an old beat-up yellow car. It was kinda fun. I can't explain it very well in words. All I know was, this girl is everything that I'm not and wish to be. I think the whole dream paint a picture of the person I am ... and the person that I look for. Who knows? Maybe that's why I'm feeling a little down and confuse today. That person is not real. 0 comments Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Kaput.
[ 1:54 pm ] Been feeling a little under the weather lately ... so I'm at home, resting + working. Thank God for a good boss that allows you to work from home. So what am I doing? Taking a little break ... supposedly 'lunch break' ... lunch break at home? Hahaha ... looks like I'm always bound by a certain time-table. The stock that mom and I invested in got de listed. Babi. Should had sold it off many moons ago. Been wanting to travel ... but somehow being tied to your responsibility makes it hard. Someone suggested, just drop it and ... GO! How I wish I was capable of that. Someone like me would have worries filled up in his head before he could ever enjoy anything. Sigh. Feeling groggy, can't write ugh ... time to finish some work then rest. 0 comments Monday, March 10, 2008
Ignorance.
[ 11:45 am ] Haven't been writing for a while now, been kept busy lately at work. Something has been bugging me for a while now, and to put it simply it could be burdensome. I know I am very much different from everyone else. Don't expect me to follow the rules ... well, sometimes. I hate getting sucked into a whole system of things and feel restrained. As much as you want to think that we have the same thoughts, we don't. Sometimes people treat you like crap, and sometimes they treat you like you're one of the best-est friend in the whole wide world. Sorry, I'm not conned into that. I don't like chameleons, I like comedians :D Had to say that ... it kinda rhymed ... haha. Anyways, ACTIONS speak louder than words, how can you say something and do something else? For example, behind someone's back you say what a creep he is, a loser, a (insert other adjectives) and then the next thing you know, wow, you're like buddy buddy :) Just like some politicians. It never ceases to BAFFLE me. I don't understand, although I do try to understand. I guess there are some things that I just won't get it. I have to be careful, I could be like that too without knowing it. Who's gonna check me? Yesterday felt like a long ... long ... long day. Needed to get out of things and NOT WANTING TO FEEL THE RESPONSIBILITY of it. I hate feeling trapped in a circle of things. It never ends. When you're in a circle, you're just trapped in a routine. Same thing, over and over again. The more you go round and round, the more things stick to you (something like a cotton candy machine). I don't like things sticking on me. I wish I had more good friends, but no ... they HAD to be scattered around the globe. Sometimes, all that I'm left are people that think they know you because it's their responsibility to do so. I am difficult, aren't I? I don't feel so. You know, I've come to realise that when people are being 'difficult', they are just being petty. Am I petty? I could be. Who isn't? A person's life isn't like a vending machine. Perhaps, I am being very shallow and blinded to see things which are good. It's so easy to see and point to things which are bad. That's human nature (see, it's convenient to blame it all on human nature). I admire those that only see the good in others, I really do. Sometimes I do TRY to emulate that ... haha ... but fail lah. Face it, 'coz it's fun to criticise others. How does it feel when it's you that's on the other end of the knife? You reap what you've sown? Ouch. Hmmm ... this post does feel quite cryptic. Just throwing some thoughts out of my mind. Pastor has been saying that 2008 is a time for new beginnings. True enough, I've seen some new beginnings. Throw away with the old, the past, the hurts, etc and begin anew. How? Have been trying, and with each step that take, I get a lousy setback. And it gets harder and more personal. Susah. So, should that stop you? Sometimes I really wish I never knew the things I know, see the things I saw ... ignorance is a bliss. Let's be ignorant. Just for a while. Can I do that? 0 comments Archives nothing |
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