This is probably one of the few moments I hate being myself. I have too many things running around my mind ... and it's really difficult to sort them out. Especially when a lot of emotions are involved. It's like a bowl of salad. You have the sweetness in it, a little sour, a little bitter, a little salty. That's how I feel. I thought I was a little moody today ... well that's normal. I am moody. Besides, I lost my voice for 2 days now, I thought I regained it this afternoon ... but I guess I spoke a lot more than I usually do, so it’s gone now. It takes a lot of effort to speak now. Anyways, what a crappy day. I don't think I've achieved much today. I was too caught up with the silly things that were on my mind.

Sometimes I ask God why I feel the way I am? I often wonder if this is a kind of depression, but I doubt it. I'm not suicidal. Though while walking home today, I thought, if I was knocked down by a vehicle and return to God, would anyone miss me? Would my family miss me? It would be really selfish to say that no one will, because I know by now there are a few that would, people who are dearest to me. Then I thought, so here I am, lying dead on the road, having not achieved anything remarkable in live, how would I be remembered? I wonder. So, I've already begun a little project that would take a lifetime to complete. I've decided to write letters to everyone that I know, seal them up and hopefully one day when I'm gone; it would be presented to them to be read on my wake. Depressing thought? Maybe not. Some things are better said when you're dead ... hahahaha .... wait, was that funny? All you optimistic smarty pants will probably say "Some things are better said while you're still alive". I will not argue with that.

I said a little prayer this afternoon asking God to take away every emotional turmoil that I have. I really don't need this kind of rubbish in me. I ask God, why did He make me this way? Do I have to be so emotionally sensitive? I thought I was strong, maybe I was wrong. I always pride myself of being able to keep my emotions in check and think with a level head. Maybe pride is my downfall. Maybe I should talk and share a lot more, but I do, it’s just that there aren’t more than 3 people I know that I can open up to. Haha what irony, and here I am sharing my thoughts on the Internet. It’s so difficult to trust someone. How nice if everything in this world is simple and childlike … or maybe I should be simple and childlike and let God take care of the rest? Is that living by Faith? Hmmm …

Maybe today was just a really bad day. Maybe I’m upset about something. Maybe I’m just indifferent. Maybe I’m THINKING TOO MUCH. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t think for once and do what I need to do and not worry about the consequences? I bet that will be so liberating. No inhibitions, I could say the things I’ve always wanted to say to some people, but really now, that would be the end of me. What would you do? I told myself right after Jason passed away that I would lived my life with no regrets and cherish those who are close to me. To take actions a lot quicker, to seize opportunities, to say what I needed to say, to mean what I meant, and to love. I think I’m living all that now, but what am I missing?

Sometimes you feel really down for no plain as the nose on your face reason, your heart feels heavy and things around you move way way way way slower than usual. It’s like time slowed down to lengthen your despair. Sigh … this is too depressing, I better stop.